Grace in practice
An e-mail interview with Jan van Delden
Looking at it from the point of view of 'normal
attached life' a constant state of blessedness seems like
a winner. But also if you realize that something like that is only
a projection, then its opposite, the absence of suffering, seems
worthy enough to do your very best to achieve evn being unenlightened.
But why actually, or is there really ' something to' being
No. Of course not, if there were something to it
then that would be for someone. The little Johnnies, (the I's
that together shape the personality) will never understand that
the light is already shining in the darkness. Happiness can never
be understood or reached from the point of view of the Johnnies.
Just as love and happiness, that is a concept for the Johnnies.
Concepts are concepts, but what they point to can only be realized.
You can never find what you already are! The Johnnies are made
of experiences. How could an experience ever be able to look at
experiencing, in order to then judge whether there is something
to it or not? Enlightenment is first of all to be able to see that
you are the undefined experiencing itself, and then to be able
that you could never be an experience. Then sooner or later may
come the thunderbolt that experiences don't exist, but only experiencing.
Is there some sort of high plateau
where you find yourself when everything falls away; no valleys,
but also no peaks?
No, there is no plateau, at the most a bottom on
which every idea and every experience crashes in the delicious
arriving home and dissolving in the love of being the unchangeable
Ho ho! Did you say 'delicious'? What is then
so delicious about that situation, delicious as opposed to what?
You are trying to look at it and understand it from
the duality and that can't happen. You need to realize first
that I am not talking about duality. That says namely, like a perpetual
automat, that experience belongs to a person, who from an inside
experiences something outside the person. I am talking about the
reality that your being undefined experiencing is not attached
to a person and that experiences don't exist, have ever existed,
or will ever exist. That which is there, everything that there
is, is this all-embracing 'being-experienced'. That
is delicious, but not in the context of an opposition to not-delicious,
because then it would be again part of something. It is neither
high nor low, but because the little 'I's' would
call it 'boring' or say 'what is the good of
that'; it appears to them as low. Finally, it is 'being
there' minus everything that you experience as a concept.
It is there when Jan is stuck, is angry, feels lousy, gets crazy
fat, or whatever experience he may seem to be having. It has absolutely
nothing to do with the story of the experiences, the apparent content
of experiencing - in fact everything that we have learned
to see as reality. That is the reason why when you realize this,
you no longer believe the stories that tell that something must
be done, or not, in order to be happy and that therefore, you also
do not have to satisfy some criterion in order to effortlessly
nestle deliciously in your being-experience.
But does your life have 'juice'?
Does your life have any sense on that level?
That is a typical question that Johnny would ask.
The Johnny who wants to have an answer to that is an experience
that lasts for only one count, and is therefore total nonsense
and the source of all suffering. Remain in the simple experiencing
itself. Look at the looking itself (whizzing) instead of the experiences
(the TV of the world), and see that your all-encompassing, and
undefined experiencing - without doing or not doing anything - is
quicker than whatsoever experience.
I assume that is also true for passion. Is
passion still possible?
Whose passion, and for what? Do you mean that there
is a sort of Johnny who continues to exist and who will become
happy, and that after you have seen that the Johnnies don't exist?
Of course not! All passions disappear by themselves. What takes
its place is the wonder of seeing the one in all, whatever enchantment
it takes. Finally you can no longer talk about passion but about
an all-encompassing happiness in being. Then you don't chase
after all of Johnny's passions and so keep your attention
on your true self, because there is simply nothing else.
If nothing has happened and everything is still
the same, what sense does it make to try to realize the truth?
We don't really try that! How can the wave
become water through effort? That's why we are unhappy looking
out from the Johnny's thinking and feeling. And naturally,
then we want to become happy - until we have been able to
see that in our life as Johnny we have not been able to find 'lasting
happiness' in any way whatsoever. However, one way or another
we have heard that self-realization is the treasure of unchanging 'effortless' happiness!
Hip hip hooray! Another passion... But, realization gives you
nothing - however beautiful and clear it appears - until
you see through all the Johnnies in whatever situation and you
can relax in the state that has no little I's. That is true
for all stories including the story about self-realization! Namely,
you are always quicker than the experience, that you whisper to
yourself in your imagination that the real unchanging is, was and
will be, your real passion.
However, if you tell the seekers that
they actually can't do anything about it, then most of the
time they run away screaming and thereafter begin again to play
with concepts and experiences in the dark, because the Johnnies
totally disagree. Directing your attention to the experiencing
and not looking at them? Of course they protest! If you listen
to them you are back to the start and the Johnnies demand that
you go searching again for something to do or not do. But all the
effort that we make or don't make for the Johnnies do not bring
the 'wave' any closer to the 'water'. Only grace can do that, cause
the 'death- blow' in which you experience how to be
undefined, and you relax in the knowing that you never were, are
or will be, an experience.
Is the striding to obtain that state proof
of the seeker's confusion, no matter how much he takes your
words to heart?
The crazy one in us is the I-thought that believes
in the thinking that believes that he is the I-thinking in that
way you lose your self-evident being-witness to the content of
experience, to the story. That story says that you are a box full
of little I's who lives in a world, a box that thinks that
it can find happiness there in the world, with death as the ultimate
time limit. That makes a farce, or a nightmare out of the whole
while the simple reality is your own unchanging, all-encompassing
being-experience. That belief in the content came up in being-experience
without any reason. So, searching for the natural state is a story
that happens in the experiences but never in your being-experience.
And so, finally, self-realization is finally nonsense.
Well then why do you even open your mouth on
this subject at all? And what good does it do me to listen to that?
What sense does it make that you speak a phrase like: 'blissfully
simple coming home and dissolving in love' to me as a little
I'm not talking to any little I, but to you
as the unchanging experiencing itself! The chance of being able
to wake up is always present, to learn that it is all grace and
no clever intellectual self liberation. Therefore it is good to
be able to 'romp around' with 'someone' who
is apparently outside of you and who appears to know it. The field
of tension between 'my' knowing 'your' wanting
to know is grace in action. Sometimes it loosens something - that
in fact was never stuck. In addition - so the story goes - I
can approve with my tradition, every step that is made. The conviction
that in addition to grace it can also be achieved, accounts for
the existence of the story. But it is still just a story! It is
and remains limited because you still haven't gotten that
I am not something outside of you, but your own self, dreaming
that is waking itself up via 'me'...
For the little I, I am an experience outside of
'you'; that little guy who's 54, getting bald and so on. But I
not experience myself as something known. Follow how everything
happens by itself and keep the experiencing in your attention.
Observe that experiencing is nothing other than little voices talking
about what you have just experienced without any effort. If you
succeed you may be able to see the experiencing as true. While
the experience is a parrot, which makes comments after the experience
and tells how it really is, or should have been. Because experience
itself says nothing - it just experiences. If it were up
to the experience you would go searching for the experienced forever,
naturally cozily accompanied by all the little voices that have
the all-encompassing with their story. Realize that
you as experience for example tasted long ago that the coffee
was too cold and afterwards the little voices parroted 'the coffee
was cold'. Keep stubbornly on!
Go on with what: with listening, with believing
what you say, with being difficult? Or doesn't it matter?
In short, does my attitude about what you say make any difference?
If it is possible continue to focus your attention
on the undefined experience-being. From this perception follow
the three states, (waking, dreaming, dreamless sleep). Look at
the life of the Little I's and their fellow players by following
the waking state. It doesn't matter what they do or don't
do. See that all the Little I's, good or bad, are really
only screaming for your attention. See that you as undefined consciousness
no longer have to listen to their orders and keep your attention
on the effortless, formless, 'being-present'. Whatever
they say! See that this following is not an activity but a zero
point and try to relax in that. Get hooked on the taste of experience-being,
to the taste of peace: the I-less being.
It is difficult in the beginning and seems to go
at the cost of the Little I's. It feels like tinkering with what
has happened. But if you hang on and go on with it then the being-experience,
also known as attention, might penetrate into the experiences flying
by, and realize that the Little I's coming along have nothing
to do with you! Slowly the automatism of being a Robert goes over
into undefined being. If the situation from before the Little I's
were the boss and you seem to be living from out of a body is again
realized then you see through the bewitchment of the story that
you are living or have lived. Then there is unchanging being, which
takes on the form of happiness itself if anything still resonates
of it. The everything appears to be the non-dualistic consciousness
itself and every trace of going or having been on a trip disappears,
without your presence disappearing.
[questions and editor: Robbert Bloemendaal]
website Jan van Delden (in Dutch): www.ods.nl/la-rousselie