the story of me and Zil Chezero
by Robbert Bloemendaal
is going to be a rather strange story. It kicks off with a deal
with Zil: I’m only allowed to talk about myself, not about
any other person for whom I work or have worked . So I’m
not going to elaborate on the how and where I met Deirdre Delder.
Suffice it to say, she has written a story about her encounter
with a phenomenon that calls itself Zil Chezero. In her account
she points out how her encounter led to four sessions encompassing
a total of eighteen ‘SlamSatS’, which is the name Zil
Chezero has given to a mixture of ‘slamming’ and ‘Satsangs’.
Quite appropriate, as I have been able to establish. Because it
so happens that there is not only the account by Deirdre, but also
sound recordings of the sessions themselves. They are in English
and they are quite forceful.
And there my story begins. The story
of working out these sessions into the book ‘Dutch Treat’,
that has just been published as an e-book on Nonduality.com. So
while I support Zil where I can, the only thing I can say about
him according to my functional profile, is that he does not want
to say anything and he also wants me to not say anything about
him. The SlamSatS themselves should tell the story, because as
Deirdre Delder has pointed out: Zil does not work as a guru.
With all these restrictions, why go through
all this trouble to ‘launch’ Zil? First of all,
because I was grabbed by the throat by the SlamSatS. ‘Getting
hit by a hoof consisting of white light’, maybe is the
best way to describe the approach by Zil. A ruthless confrontation
that at the same time has no ‘I-energy’ in it what
so ever. Perplexity. Also, regret to have missed it. And by
and large while working on the manuscript I became aware of
the second reason to live up to the challenge. I nevertheless
hope for a sequel, because of what I found in one of the SlamSatS.
So I chose a confrontation and got my mandate. I will produce
the book, explore along two tracks the chances of a ‘return
of Zil’ and at the same time shield the guy. Because
without this shielding, no return.
Zil is a mule
To convey some of my enthusiasm about
Zil’s view on matter, I want to start with a short sketch
of his approach. Part of it is the way which Zil sees himself.
I am not allowed to talk about Zil, but naturally I may cite
him where he talks about himself in the book. Right at the
beginning, Zil presents himself as a ‘mule’.
(Questioner) So, you are a mule?
(Zil) No, Zil is. I’m awareness before it becomes
aware of itself as such. As soon as that happens, it turns into a mule.
Called Zil Chezero. Mule is strong, stubborn, should be humble by the
looks of it but rather hilariously isn’t, makes the most awkward
sound you could imagine and most of all – is infertile.
is an evolutionary accident that kills a line that goes straight back
to the very origin of life. Every mule is the first and last of its kind.
It’s the ultimate evolutionary laughing stock… but this
tragedy also has a benefit. Mule is free from any possible evolutionary
ambitions, free from any ‘leaving behind’, ‘making
a mark’ or any other abstract burden. The fact that it does not
breed sets it free from the only future-related task it can possibly
have as an animal.
So isn’t it nice that this image of the mule
fits Zil? Zil’s what’s left of a person that bit by bit had
to give up any illusions of being something or someone, having anything – including
past, future and now.
Zil in full view
So much for Zil about himself. In regard to
his state of being he uses the phrase ‘in full view’,
which he prefers over ‘enlightened’. Deirdre Delder’s
iron memory makes it possible for us to witness a very condensed
description of the difference between both:
'You are not what you think. I translate. 'This
book is about enlightenment too, but in a direct way; through accounts
of satsangs. Are you familiar with the term ‘satsang’? I
ask him. The man smiles. 'Yes, he says. 'That book,
going by the title, might be about enlightenment. But it’s not
about realization. Neither book is about realization. His answer
takes me by surprise. 'Excuse me, what did you say? I ask
a little bewildered. 'Realization and enlightenment mean the same
thing, I would think…
'If your book was about realization,
the title would be You are not what you are, says the man, grinning. 'Enlightenment
can be the effect of realization. Even more so, where realization is
a fact, enlightenment by definition is the manifest effect. But the other
way around, enlightenment and realization don’t necessarily have
anything to do with each other.
'Enlightenment has two forms.
Often enlightenment is not the result of realization, but is the product
of an ‘almost realized’. The light comes from a lamp, both
stay present on the level of manifestation. Sometimes however, enlightenment
is the by-product of realization, the visible effect of that which does
not confine itself to the manifestation. In that case, what you recognize
as enlightenment is the effect of the fact that the ‘enlightened
one’ is in full view. Zil is in full view.
The difference between ‘in full view’ and ‘enlightened’,
sometimes flanked by hilarious elaborations on the phenomenon ‘lamp’,
returns many times in the text.
A thing called love
Zil is merciless to egos, the recordings make clear.
But in the meanwhile I have found out that these eighteen SlamSatS time
and again prove to address matters that are crucial for ‘neti-neti’ in
all its appearances. What is more, I cannot remember when I did not think ‘hey,
this too he has smashed to pieces’. Because that is the enlightening
part – to misuse this phrase here - of his approach: he really
tears down everything and you even comprehend why it can’t be any
different than that. And slowly but surely I also connected with the
enormous love that is behind all of that. Considering his style, this
is not obvious.
A fragment that says it all:
(Questioner) I have met quite a few gurus throughout
my life and some certainly were ‘lamps’ as you call them.
But others seemed upright and genuine and even radiated a sort of universal
love, a gentle mildness. But you beam only fire, which insults and tortures
us. Don’t you love everything, including us?
(Zil) Well 6, to begin with, I love this question! (laughter)
It offers us a chance to look at this thing called ‘love’.
Let’s start with ‘your side’. Why do you want to feel
Eh, well, it gives me eh, well… it gives me
comfort, the sense of being loved makes me feel wanted, accepted as I
am, and that makes me feel present, seen…
Hmm. You feel ‘present’, ‘wanted’, ‘accepted’ by
love… Who is ‘you’ in these notions? Or if that is
too difficult: what part of ‘you’ wants love?
Oh. You’re burning me again, aren’t you?
Have to if I love you, lady, but we’ll get to that
later. First try to answer this mule’s question.
part of you, wanting love, a beautiful sight?
Well, not really, now I look at it. I mean, I can’t
really see it, but when I look closer, it gives me a certain feeling.
Well, actually, it doesn’t feel very pure.
Which takes us to the next question. Do you love this part
of you that wants to be loved?
That answer came fast…
If this hole were to
be filled - would this fulfill you?
Yes! Eh, no…
‘Yes’ for that part, ‘no’ for
you looking at that part?
Am I burning you now?
Well, I suppose so, yes.
Why, what happens?
You take something away from me.
No hope sold
Maybe that is the crux of Zil’s approach: he
does not sell you any hope. But travelling through the SlamSatS, this
seems less and less necessary. To illustrate this:
(Questioner) What game are we playing here?
(Zil) We play the ‘kick ass by mule’ game.
Here’s a mule in full view that can see the totally hopeless situation
it’s in concerning this game. Hopeless in the sense of not being
able to convey any real working wisdom to another mule here, just because
it’s totally impossible to change anything about the total mulishness
of both mules – all mules - and the world they live in. It’s
this hopelessness I’m enforcing on you.
But… what’s the sense of it?
The sense is that is has no sense! Sense is for mules,
realization is not. How does that make you feel, mulewise?
I want you to really feel that feeling. Feel the hopelessness,
feel that this whole realization exercise has no use, won’t get
you anywhere. Can you deeply, deeply feel that?
Now, how does that hopelessness feel? Bad? Depressing?
No, it feels… well, it feels logical.
What!? Look at what you just answered. Does it appear logical
to you that it feels logical?
Well, now that you mention it, no, it’s not
really logical. Maybe I should feel depressed about it but I don’t.
I actually feel a sort of relief.
That's what you get here. Absolutely nothing. No hope
sold. Satisfied by that?
Totally fulfilled by nothing. Totally fulfilled by yourself.
‘Conversation with Mulekind’ and ‘Celebs’
As stated, this series of SlamSatS is one-off.
A one moment Zil makes it clear that he is interested in giving words
to his knowledge for one time only. The fact that in just four sessions
so many topics are researched so thoroughly, is both an achievement of
Zil and of his partners. Concerning Satsangs that are written out, it
hits me that on the moment supreme the questioner either understands
it no more, or starts talking about something else completely, or is
interrupted by another questioner… All understandable, but fatal reactions by egos
that get a hard time. The results are endless half-hearted conversations
with a tiny pearl on every five pages, which we have had to swallow in
countless books over the years. Perhaps it is the frontal approach by Zil
that makes escape impossible, maybe it’s the atmosphere of total
surrender with the (small) group of people that chose to talk with him,
maybe both. In any case the SlamSatS go on where the majority steadily
lets go. For me this has been an important reason to let the SlamSatS land
in a book.
But it’s also the reason for remorse with the thought
that it would end with this. So I paid close attention when the following
(Questioner) So after these sessions it’s all
over? Nothing can tempt you to come back?
(Zil) For this initiative, it’ll be all over. No
more speaking to average admirer mules. But there are in fact two horizons
that have come into this mule’s awareness. On the first are the
right questions. We must cover whatever ground we can in these SlamSatS,
and after that, this mule’s initial curiosity is satisfied and
the drawbacks to evening upon evening of talking about this stuff becomes
too powerful. So therefore it’s finito after these sessions. However,
I can imagine embarking on a ‘conversation with mulekind’ in
which questions are formulated that are so different from or better than
the ones posed in these SlamSatS that they provoke new answers. Maybe
that could be fun.
And on the other horizon is better mules.
Huh? What do you mean by that, aren’t we ‘good’ mules?
You are perfect – in this phase. You are good enough
for now, but you are not the best. Not by far. You are pioneers, willing,
But isn’t that good?
For you perhaps, for me it’s a bore already. You
guys admire other mules all the time. It’s this very trait that
makes you extremely hard to reach. Your admiration gets in the way, it’s
one of the toughest defence systems mules have. That’s why you’re
not the best. The best is the celeb. You know what celebs are?
I have some images…
They are what I consider a special challenge. To kick off:
celebs are fantastically stupid. More than that, they are the most self-righteous
and stubborn sons of bitches that can be found in mulekind. As such they
make great material for this mule’s hoofs: the more resistance,
the better these hoofs hit home. And now for the best part. Celebs are
used to being admired themselves and come to me because they experience
the emptiness and filth of that admiration every day. As such they are
less inclined to start admiring me and if they do it anyway, their own
situation is mirrored in it immediately. All these traits together make
them incredible material.
Better than us...
Way better. They are bored with admiration – yet
need it. Coming to me, they want ‘everydayness’ on the one
hand and cling to their ‘specialness’ on the other. Which
means with them there’s all around ass to kick! Circular ass, so
to speak. And what’s more, herever you hit them, they are much
more likely to crack than persistent admirers like you guys.
And all of a sudden there was the plan…
The plan and the book
took some perseverance, because Zil rather would not. But he did
say it and he will have a hard time resisting the temptation – if
I am capable of organizing it. And that is exactly what I have been
doing recently. First of all, the book has now been published as
an e-book on www.nonduality.com. And what’s more, the ‘Conversation
with Mulekind’ gets a podium on the internet. At www.zilchezero.com we will be organizing a forum in which questions can be formulated
that are smarter than the ones posed in the book. These questions
should ‘break in’ on a conversation in the book, thus
giving another direction to the conversation. In order to facilitate
this, every paragraph in the book has its own number.
it for us ordinary mortals. But there is also a ‘part two’ of
the plan, which is just a tiny bit even weirder than the first part,
but nonetheless I want to try it out. Zil refers to King Janaka as
a ‘super celeb’, as an example for the current generation
of ‘sissy celebs’. In the SlamSatS concerning this topic
he seems willing to reappear for celebs – and for celebs only.
Well. Hum. Apart from the question whether I, being non-celeb, like
that attitude, it’s what we have to cope with for the time
being. So I constructed a ‘King Janaka’ platform for
celebs on the site. And I will see who will respond…
is the story of Zil Chezero and me up till now. I wonder how it will