Seeing. Direct witnessing during Satsang
Hans Laurentius and Leen Kuiper. Uitgeverij de Horizon, Ottersum 2002-11-23 ISBN: 90-80734-61-6.
The greatest portion of this book describes the personal experiences of Leen Kuiper in his process of self realization. In this, sight is not lost of what it is really about: that which precedes any experience whatsoever: the unchanging self or Consciousness. During this process of becoming conscious the capacity for direct witnessing or surveying developed itself in Leen Kuiper ( without the intervention of ego energy witnessing). This brought deep experiences with itself and later the danger of again strengthening the ego-directedness.The entire process of about one year's duration was variously told by means of the reflections of Leen Kuiper himself, his e-mails to Hans Laurentius, his e-mail reactions and fragments from Hans' satsangs .
It is a very nice book to read because the story comes out of 'the practical', and it allows you to take an unashamed peek into someone else's kitchen; how does someone else's processes of becoming conscious go? Leen writes about it very openly. Thereby, for me especially the descriptions (and with that also the recognitions) of the ego pitfalls very clarifying, and especially with Hans' reactions to Leen's questions, in which he doesn't go into the content, but steadily points back to what it is actually about in self-realization.
The book is easy to read because of the playful means of alternating witnessing, e-mails, etc, and gives a beautiful picture of the transformation in the going open and ascent into the Self.
[November 2002, Wilmy Moors]
from the book:
Leen: What a relief: I was noticed. Not only by the 'outer guru', but also the 'inner guru' began to show it's true nature more often from that moment. In the beginning that happened especially during satsang in which I as a person became steadily more conscious of an unchanging still base, that came regularly to the foreground. But also, sometimes the perspective shifted, whereby I as a person expressed myself from an enormous silence and space. The person appeared then in Me and as an experience that was really different from seeing your self as a person who goes to the silence. I had sat in meditation for years and I could easily experience the silence buried deeply in us where our thoughts become evermore subtle and finally disappear. But it was always a little I that went somewhere - no matter how real and attractive that silence might have been. But now, I was suddenly taken over by the self and the witnessing person disappeared. Even the consciousness was gone at a given moment and there was only Being, without content, without any thought, without any consciousness of anything whatsoever. Then suddenly in that which I Am there appears an I-consciousness and the fact that thoughts come again, and feelings, etc. It was only then that I really realized the expression; 'I precede everything'.
No matter how authentic, this experience was just an experience. And the characteristic of experiences is that they come by themselves and go away by themselves. The difficulty was, that I did it. True understanding is that the experience of silence was not the deepest that I Am, but I began to consider the presence of silence and a nice experience to be what the realization was about. The rest of the time I naturally lost that stillness or the experience and that made me deeply unhappy. To be honest I did not understand much about it. A deep experience plus the silence was OK in my experience, but that varied constantly with common house, garden and kitchen thoughts and as far as I was concerned these were absolutely not OK. Something still didn't add up, but what? In this period deep happiness and possibly even deeper unhappiness alternated continuously. and Hans was always saying that I needed to be more patient and that everything was OK and that I shouldn't worry, just a little more trust and patience. There were moments when I felt more rotten then ever before. What was I busy with? Could I still go back?
E-mail 23 november 2000
Satsang yesterday was special. Exceptionally powerful. It just makes me impatient. One time you get a 'taste' of what it could be, what it is, and then it goes back to the background. It is still there of course, but out of focus for a bit. Indeed, the body-mind has to get used to the new situation. I want it to happen now, permanently and not again and again in and out. But that must be part of it. At the end you asked: how do you feel? How can you ask that? First there is darshan, you look at me and I begin to melt away. Boundaries disappear and my perceptions become more abstract. You see but no longer with your eyes, even though remarkably enough these continue to function. All of that is registered simultaneously. With the sinking away a warmth comes up in the body and a being shaken, which is not un-pleasurable by itself, and I have begun to get used to it and even welcome it now that it has happened a few times. And while I melt away, there is an appeal made to my mind: how do you feel? I don't want to go back into my mind at all. Let me go please. The mind is grabbing it's chance: Hah, I have to react. Let's take over it thinks. And yes, the falling away becomes less, the boundaries come back and also the bodily experiencing of warmth is back. Even the seeing takes place again through my eyes again and at this moment I can answer with my old faithful little I. But I don't want to. I want to go back! Come on. Take me. And indeed immediately after I was back in the Self, because of you, direct, in resonance with what I am in deepest Being. And what are these colors by the way?
If you' look' at them they are gone, you can't grab them. But there they are again, and actually never been gone, only ungraspable. And so beautiful. There is no bliss at that moment; only silent wonder. And then the idea comes that one could go through that light as a kind of door, so to speak, but it is not that concrete. If you want to identify with something at that moment - because there is naturally also the perception of the concrete body/mind functioning - then it would be that abstract blue light, embedded and bubbling up in me. do you have that now also?
You notice that in this' initial stage' of going up in the Self all kinds of things seem to happen, that don't have anything to do with it, but they are there, also there. I don't need to do anything with all these perceptions, but it seems that now I through your confirmation am searching for the right way to be. And naturally I know that answer already, the pathless path. Everything is 'grace'. And I can consider myself lucky that the Self (via you) gives me a push in the right direction. Such a joy and such a blessing. I should so like to let go, totally free. I am unspeakably thankful that this happens once in a while. L.
If I ask what you experience, am I putting the question to the 'I'? The invitation is there only to make you completely conscious of what there is. The light phenomenon are perceptions of subtle energy from the sixth and seventh charka region. Not uncommon, not occurring often. Enjoy it. Leen, the letting go was already begun a few weeks ago. Don't become impatient, no matter how difficult that might be. Everything is being 'done' for it that is needed. Trust me, trust it, trust your innermost Self. A moment will come when you can react without the mind interfering: thus directly, just like Hans speaks: without mind.
Blessed is the pathless path and the walk-less walker. H.